What does time have to do with Grief?

Does time stand still? 

When we are grieving, our experience has a lot to do with time.  Consider the following:  We all have multiple sources of seeing what time it is.  Most of us keep our schedules either online or on a calendar.  We have clocks in every room, most of us wear watches to keep track of time, and now, our cell phones and Apple watches are with us 24-hours per day–just to keep us on time.  We never want to be late for anything.  Time is precious to us.  Time appears to stand still when we are grieving.  Even though we are suffering from our loss, the rest of the world keeps going, while our life has come to a screeching halt.  

This feeling about the rest of the world not stopping after our loss simply drove me crazy.  How can others go out to dinner and have fun?  When we went, everybody we saw reminded us of our loss.  How can your children still play a soccer game when my daughter is dead?   How can you even consider laughing when I am crying about my loss?  It just seemed like the rest of the world was very unaffected by the death of Jenelle, Amy, and Mom.  It was not fair! 

It made me angry.  It made me frustrated.  Unfortunately, it also made me act mean to others.  Sometimes I lashed out at others for living life when my life had changed so much. It just was not fair. People say that time heals all wounds.  That assumes the source of the grief has an end date, which it does not. 

Time to quit grieving 

Most uninformed people give grievers a couple of weeks to maybe a full month to stop grieving.  We continuously hear that it is OK to cry openly and talk about our loss for a short time–but GET OVER IT–OR IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON, was the overwhelming sentiment after that.

Why do people think there is a period to grieve?  They just do not know or understand the grieving process.  They were so much more comfortable being our friends before our loss and wanted us to get back to that as soon as possible.  They may be thinking more of themselves than of us and may not appreciate the time it takes for us to get back to normal, (By the way, there is never a “back to normal” after a tragic loss).  Think of a “new normal” that involves changing everything you do or say because someone that was a big part of your life for so long, is now gone. 

Sometimes, it appears others just got tired of us dwelling on our sorrow and pain.  They determined that they had given all that they could give and just did not want to be around us any longer while we were grieving.

If this happens, you may need to redefine what “normal” is for you. Choose some new friends who are willing and able to be with you on your personal grief journey and will allow you to determine yourself when grieving “time is up”.

Looking back on time

We spent most of our time looking back on what we had lost on July 22, 2003, at 2:22 in the afternoon.  How can you not look back?  It is easier to look back in time before your life changed so dramatically than to look ahead to a bleak future.   It is no fun to think about what our lives would have been like in the future.  Our future without Jenelle and Amy was hard to imagine.  

I spent a lot of time asking myself what I could have done differently that might have saved the lives of Jenelle and Amy.    What was the last thing I said to them or did with them?  Did I say anything wrong or stupid?  We kept talking about the “good times” and sharing stories about the girls.  That was all we had left memories.  There was not a future for us that involved Jenelle and Amy.  We had to keep those memories fresh in our mind so we would never forget what we lost.  

First time

Those first few days and weeks were very painful.  Things like going to church for the first time without our daughters; trying to celebrate Father’s Day or Mother’s Day without our Jenelle and Amy; trying to get through those first birthdays or holidays without them.  

We did not know if we could survive those “firsts”, but we did.  We determined that they were going to be extremely hard and worried about even surviving them.  The anticipation leading up to these benchmark days was as hard as the actual days.  I could feel pressure growing within me.  I felt like I was ready to explode.  

When you are grieving, your mind is out of control.  My thought process kept telling me that these special days were going to be terrible. I learned over time to ignore the build-up or pressure of the days prior to the actual event.  It was simply both stressing me out as well as wearing me out.  We had to learn and understand that every day can be bad when you are grieving. After a while, we realized that we would be able to survive those “firsts” –whether we wanted to or not. 

Speaking of the mind, one of my brothers was involved in an active shooter scenario in recent years.  He was in a building when an employee in a community center in the Midwest killed his supervisor and engaged in a firefight with a police officer. He shared the story about how his mind cannot get over the fact that he did not hear 35 of the 40 gunshots.  He reported his mind was fine during the event as he prepared for a variety of escape avenues. However, after learning of all the rounds fired, the unconscious brain reflexes were most troublesome.

In this case, my brother reported that his brain had unconscious processing of the realization that he had just avoided potential sudden death.

Such a reaction is similar to what we experienced. Our minds were running in the background and creating reactions that consumed our ability to act and react rationally. An uncontrolled mental reaction could happen if you have experienced sudden loss.

Jail Time 

Sometimes grieving is like being in jail.  We feel imprisoned in a small space and time and just cannot set ourselves free.  We do not like who we are.  We do not like that our friends do not make us feel better.  We just want out of jail but do not fully understand how to get away from the grief that is keeping us locked up.  

At times, it felt good to be “locked up” in my grief.  I was such a mean and angry person.  I did not want to be around others nor hurt those who were trying to be helpful.  It took me a long time to get to the point where I did not feel “confined” to my own grief.  

Supper Time 

We went from a family of five who thoroughly enjoyed eating together to a family of three.  Those two empty chairs in our dining room reminded us on a daily basis of how much we had lost.  We were not able to discuss anything but our loss and our grief.  That was not fair to Matt who still had his young life to live.  Food was important, but seldom enjoyed.  Mealtime went from an enjoyable event that the whole family looked forward to and became something that we dreaded each day. 

Before the girls died, a big part of our dinnertime was for the family to eat together and share stories about their day.  We would all take turns setting the table and doing the dishes afterwards.  Sometimes, Jenelle and Amy would help Char cook a feast for the family.  The wonderful life and times we celebrated around the table were gone for good.  It was a very big adjustment.  Matt started college two years later and life changed once again.  

Time heals

This is my last section about grieving and time.  You have heard the saying about “time heals all wounds”.  BUNK!  Time will change things, yes.  The overall intensity of the grief will slowly diminish, certainly.  In the years following a loss, life will slowly return.  However, the saying “time heals all wounds” is just a saying.  After losing three people that I loved with all of my heart, I do not think that I will ever heal.